I Hurt

Things are pretty hard right now. Well, it's always gonna be hard with the guy you love more than anything leaves you. and to behonest all the reasons why he tells me that he left me...i dont believe. i just dont. i think he's hiding something. i think he's trying to hide something or avoid soemthing. idk. idk. and i wish i did know. this is so damn hard to deal with. today he seemed different. idk how to explain it, but different as in he's going through something. i wanted to ask him if he was okay but i thought he's get annoyed or mad at me for asking. i just want to make sure that everything is okay. I told him that i was over this whole thing but that was a bunch of bull shit. i only said it cause he seemed to be trying to push me away in a pretty harsh way. so i just said whatever to get him to stop. i still love him. i still miss him. i wish things between us have to be so distant. right now i'm listening to some songs he made for me, telling me how much he loves me... i think he still loves me. am i in denial for thinking this? or do i really know the truth? idk. today in class when i heard his voice, i wanted to cry. i miss his voice.

It's been years since i've been on this site, damn. So much has changed.  My life is not what it was when i left my last "blog", it's gone through ups and downs, but i'm a stronger person now, than i ever thought i could be.

I've been taken to the lowest point of my life this school year (in the begining), and now i'm at the highest point.

I've realized something this year, something that was very important for me to realize and understand about myself. I realized that i've never known myself untill this year. When iw as at my lowest point, i felt like i wasnt being myself, so i of couse tried to get back to who i was. But i couldnt. Why? Cause i never knew who i was in the first damn place. Talk about a struggle. So i was on one hell of a hunt to find who i saw, and looking back on my past, nothing in my life could help me figure me out. God it sucked so damn much. All my life i've known that soemthing just wasnt right, i didnt feel okay with who i was, and now i've figured out this damn problem. I didnt feel right because i wasnt being me, i didnt know me, which makes a lot of sense to me. I feel like you dont know much of anything about yourself and a lot of the things around you if you dont even know your self. This is also the reason why i broke up with my boyfriend in 9th grade even though i loved being with him. I loved being with him but, i kept downing myself and i was actually starting to slip into my depression, and i just couldnt give any love to him. How can i give him love if i dont love myself? How can i love myself if i dont know myself? it's damn near impossible. So baby, if you're reading this, i'm so damn sorry for all the pain i've put you through, i never ment to. I was on a search for myself and i never thought it'd end up hurt the one person who i love more than anything. Knowing that i've hurt you honestly kills me, i hate knowing that thats happend. I care about you so damn much, hurting you is something i would have never done, but sadly has happend. But know that it'll NEVER happen again, you can quote me on that, i swear it'll never happen again. you mean everything to me. So i'm sorry, but possibly it's made us who we are today. You had a weak girlfriend in 9th grade, but now you have a strong girlfriend who has learned from all of her mistakes and would love to take those mistakes back, but i know that i've learned meaningful lessons from them that i needed to learn, and wont make those mistakes again.

I'm finally happy. All my life i've been searching for this happiness that i seemed to never be able to have. Kinda like a lab rat running in those spinny wheel thingies with a piece of cheese in front of it. or a fat person on a treadmill with a burger infront of them. I was going nowhere. No matter how hard i tried to improve my life, i seemed to just be wasting my time. But not anymore. One of those reasons (the biggest reason) is because of ted. I've found that true happiness has always been there, but i had to deal with my personal issues before i could actually see it. I couldnt see it as clear as i should've because i had too much fog in the way. But now that my head is clear, i see all that i've been missing. I had ideas of the happines that i wanted to feel, and i thought it was the highest level  of happiness anyone could feel, but ted has givin me so much more. i seriously feel like i'm the happiest girl in the world. Sound cheesy, but so damn true. Every moment with him is truely amazing and i woudlnt trade it for any damn thing in the world. He's all that i've been looking for and love him more than anything. I love you baby, and i always will.